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DEA Warns of Stoned Rabbits if Utah Passes Medical Marijuana

As the Utah Senate is considering legalizing marijuana for medical usage this week, they heard testimony from DEA Special Agent Matt Fairbanks.  Agent Matt is definitely “special”, I’ll say that.  The Washington Post reported on this alarming warning from Special Agent Matt:

Its science, man. Science!!

“I deal in facts. I deal in science,” said special agent Matt Fairbanks, who’s been working in the state for a decade. He is member of the “marijuana eradication” team in Utah. Some of his colleagues in Georgia recently achieved notoriety by raiding a retiree’s garden and seizing a number of okra plants.

Exactly what expert scientific advice did Special Agent Matt bring to the Utah Senate Hearing?

Danger!! Danger!!

“Personally, I have seen entire mountainsides subjected to pesticides, harmful chemicals, deforestation and erosion,” he said. “The ramifications to the flora, the animal life, the contaminated water, are still unknown.”

Okay, so if Utah approves marijuana for medical use, Special Agent Matt would have us believe that even more people will beat a path to the beautiful forested mountains of Utah and start planting the Devil’s Weed, tearing up and destroying any nature that gets in their way, rather than going to a safe, governmentally regulated dispensary to purchase their meds.  Sounds about right.

Except, the only reason why people drive up into the mountains to plant marijuana is because IT’S ILLEGAL.  If they could legally grow it in their back yard, wouldn’t this prevent these “unknown” but expected environmental disasters?

But Special Agent Matt had more warnings for the Senators.  He continues with the horrifying evidence of all:

Protect the bunnies!!

Fairbanks said that at some illegal marijuana grow sites he saw “rabbits that had cultivated a taste for the marijuana. …” He continued: “One of them refused to leave us, and we took all the marijuana around him, but his natural instincts to run were somehow gone.”

Holy smokes!!!  Stoner rabbits!!  That rabbit was obviously stoned, otherwise he’d have run away!  Or maybe, he was just acting like most rabbits I’ve come across in the field, even while packing my scary 12 gauge shotgun, who mostly just sit there and watch me walk right up to them.  Or maybe he was just shocked that Special Agent Matt and his colleagues were hauling off his private stash of yummy cannabis.

But here’s the real scientific problem with Special Agent Matt’s concerns.  It is true that many animals like to eat marijuana.  Yet, they don’t do it to get stoned, they eat it because it’s highly nutritious!  Raw cannabis is loaded with good fiber and hundreds of beneficial cannabinoids that actually promote health and prevent disease.  One thing they don’t contain is THC, the part of marijuana that makes people (and rabbits) stoned.  Only by heating the plant up 100s of degrees does the non-psychoactive THCA become psychoactive THC, so until rabbits learn how to create fire, there will be no getting buzzed for them!

I would think that surely Special Agent Matt knows this fact, given that he is not only scientific, but that he also works for the agency responsible for keep all of us save from the Devil’s Weed, and that if it becomes legal he’s basically going to have to find a new job.  But I guess scaring people with unfounded concerns (for their own good, of course) is sufficient justification.

Unfortunately for the wildlife and lush forests of Utah, the Senate rejected these warnings from Special Agent Matt and approve the bill to be sent on to the full Senate for a vote anyway.

Listen here:


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